Unbeknownst to me, steel does not melt when heated to extreme temperatures.

This fact was brought to my attention this morning, when I heard Rosie O’Donnel remark with great sarcasm that the destruction of WTC Building #7 was “the first time in history that fire has ever melted steel”. I have always been under the (obviously erroneous) impression that the process of creating steel began with melting and mixing numerous raw materials. Obviously, I was wrong.

The question which follows naturally from this revelation is obvious: “How are steel products such as the I-beams in WTC Building #7 made?” After spending several hours in deep meditation while listening to Jack Webb’s rendition of “Try a Little Tenderness”, I am pleased to announce that I have made telepathic contact with the voices in Rosie’s head, and they have revealed the answer:

1. Find an enchanted forest. If you have trouble locating one, ask Joan Quigley.
2. Purchase some steel seedlings. A few small screws or nails should suffice.
3. Plant them in said forest and water them. After three days, fertilize the soil with used motor oil.
4. Continue to water the beam regularly (every few days).
5. After four to six months, your beam should be ready. You will know it is ripe when Brevis the Magical Steel Elf pops out of the ground and runs around wildly, flailing his arms and screaming “Efeel napolaon grokster! Efeel napolaon grokster!”
6. Harvest your beam.

That’s it - a few simple steps to growing and harvesting a steel I-beam. Roughly the same process can be used to produce the steel frames found in small Japanese automobiles, the trusses used in the construction of cell phone towers, and the pole embedded in Lou Dobbs’s posterior. If one substitutes the steel seedlings with aluminum ones, this technique can be used to bring forth the tin foil hats worn by the apparently substantial number of Americans who think that September 11, 2001 was the work of Bush / the CIA / Elvis / aliens / Rupert Murdoch / the Jews (pronounced “jooooos”) [insert your conspiracy here].